Mul on viimasel ajal jälle ravi jätkudes tekkinud suurem probleem erinevate aroomidega. Tegelikult on see probleem olnud alates keemiaravi algusest varasuvel, aga nüüd on see taas võimendunud. Ükspäev pidin Uberis oksendama hakkama, sest seal ei olnud mitte mingisugust õhku ja kõik haises suitsu ja läppunud värgi järgi.

Reede hommikul, kui olin endale teinud tassi kohvi ja ühe võileiva, tundsin, kuidas kuskilt tuli hapnenud kitsepiima haisu. Jah, just haisu, sest see oli mu jaoks nii ebameeldiv. Nuputasin üsna pikalt, kust see aroom võiks pärit olla. Ja välja mõtlesin: võileib!

Võileiva peal oli trühvliga keeduvorst ja pooleks lõigatud keedumuna. See kombo tekitaski seda ebameeldivat haisu. Võtsin seda rida kirjutades võileivast järgmise ampsu. Võileivaha ühele poole jõudes sain aru, et trühvliga asjad lendavad nüüd minu menüüst välja. Mitte, et ma neid ka koguaeg konsumeeriks, aga kuna poes oli see vist soodukaga, siis sai ka ostetud ja noh, loodetavasti teised söövad selle ära.

Söömisega seoses, mul on tekkinud on meeletu stressisöömine. Ma lihtsalt sööks koguaeg midagi, ka siis kui kõht ei ole tegelikult tühi. Stress on laes. Miks on stress laes? On tekkinud hirm, et mis siis kui haigus tuleb kohe tagasi. On stress, sest ma olen enda jaoks kohutavalt kole. Ja oma peas tundub, et seda kõike lahendaks see, kui ma kaaluksin vähem. See mõte, et ma pean paarkümmend kilo alla võtma, on täielik kinnisidee.

Ma arvan ise, et see ongi hetkel jälle minu jaoks kõige suurem mure. Kinnisidee ja miski, mis teeb mind siiralt kurvaks. Ma ei meeldi endale, ma nutan sellepärast palju. Põen seda kõike meeletult. Ainus positiivne asi kõige juures näib olevat see, et juuksed kasvavad mühinaga. Tumedad ja juba mõnusalt pehme siilisoenguga mina on oluliselt kenam, kui kiilakas pundunud mina. Aga, ikka veel ei meeldi ma endale üldse. Ja mõtlen , et nii ei saa ma ka teistele meeldida. Ma tundun endale nagu mingi hale füüsilisele väljanägemisele keskenduv vananev miss.

Aga see kaalulangus ei tule ilmselt niipea, sest mulle süstitakse järkuvalt hormoone, ma saan immunoteraapiat, ma söön saia. Tere, jõulud! Aeg, mil iga poe igas nurgas on välja laotatud virnade kaupa Bolo del Reisid või pannetonesid. Ja mul ei ole praegu nii palju jõudu, et nendele kiusatustele vastu hakata.

Kui ma sain selle imelise vastuse detsembri alguses, et mu kehast ei leitud enam vähirakke, siis olin ma maailma kõige õnnelikum inimene. Aga, ma arvan, et see õnn lükkas korraks peitu reaalsuse ja ma suutsin sekundiks isegi mõelda, et äkki nüüd ongi kõik.

Tegelikult olen ma ju terve olemise teekonnal alles alguses. Jah, mu kehas ei ole praegu vähirakke, aga selleks, et see nii ka jääks, on veel vaja käia pikk teekond. Viimane ravipäev peaks olema augusti alguses. Ja ma loodan väga, et pärast seda ei pea ma enam kunagi saama keemiaravi, immunoteraapiat ega kiiritust. Kas see ka nii jääb, seda ma ei tea.

Jooksengi varsti kohe järgmise raviprotseduuri eeluuringutele. Ees on ootamas kiiritusravi ja täna on sellele eelnev uuring, kus mõõdetakse mu kopse ja muid olulisi organeid, et kiiritus neid ei kahjustaks.

ENG

Lately, as my treatment continues, I’ve once again developed a bigger problem with different aromas. In truth, this issue has been there ever since chemotherapy began in early summer, but now it has intensified again. One day I almost had to throw up in an Uber because there was absolutely no air inside, and everything smelled of smoke and stale, suffocating stuff.

On Friday morning, when I had made myself a cup of coffee and a sandwich, I suddenly felt the smell of soured goat’s milk coming from somewhere. Yes, smell, because it was extremely unpleasant for me. I spent quite some time trying to figure out where this aroma could be coming from. And then I realized: the sandwich.

On the sandwich there was truffle-flavoured bologna and a hard-boiled egg cut in half. That combination was what created the unpleasant smell. While writing this, I took another bite of the sandwich. By the time I reached the other half, I understood that truffle-flavoured things are now being eliminated from my menu. Not that I consume them all the time, but since it was probably on sale at the store, I bought it, and well, hopefully others will eat it.

I think that right now this is once again my biggest concern. An obsession, and something that makes me genuinely sad. I don’t like myself; I cry about it a lot. I struggle with all of this intensely. The only positive thing in the middle of it all seems to be that my hair is growing back rapidly. Dark hair and a pleasantly soft pixie cut version of me is far nicer than the bald, swollen version of me. But still, I don’t like myself at all. And I keep thinking that this way I can’t possibly be appealing to others either. I feel like some kind of pitiful, aging beauty queen obsessing over physical appearance.

When it comes to eating, I’ve developed intense stress eating. I just want to eat something constantly, even when I’m not actually hungry. My stress levels are through the roof. Why is the stress so high? There’s fear that what if the disease comes back immediately. There’s stress because I feel terribly unattractive to myself. And in my head it seems like all of this could be solved if I weighed less. The thought that I need to lose twenty-something kilos has become a complete obsession.

But that weight loss is probably not going to happen anytime soon, because I’m still being injected with hormones, I’m receiving immunotherapy, and I’m eating white bread. Hello, Christmas! The time of year when every corner of every store is piled high with stacks of Bolo de Reis or panettone. And right now, I simply don’t have the strength to resist those temptations.

When I received that wonderful news at the beginning of December that no cancer cells were found in my body. I was the happiest person in the world. But I think that happiness temporarily pushed reality into hiding, and for a brief moment I was even able to think that maybe this really was the end of it.

In reality, I’m only at the very beginning of the journey of being healthy. Yes, there are no cancer cells in my body at the moment, but in order for it to stay that way, there is still a long road ahead. My final treatment day should be in early August. And I truly hope that after that I will never again have to undergo chemotherapy, immunotherapy, or radiation. Whether that will remain the case, I don’t know.

And now I’m already heading into the preliminary examinations for the next treatment phase. Radiation therapy is ahead, and today is the pre-treatment assessment, where my lungs and other vital organs are measured to ensure that the radiation does not harm them.