Ma olen teisipäevast alates olnud haiglas. Paremaks ei ole oluliselt läinud. Enesetunne on kehv. Palavik tõusis näiteks eile õhtul 39 kraadini ja täna hommikul kella kuuest-seitsmest ärkasin taas külmavärinates. Palavik oli laes, enesetunne väga halb, meeletu köha, nohu, kurk valus – nii haavandist kui ka köhimisest.

Kui köhahoog peale tuleb, siis on see nii keha läbiv, et kohati on küll tunne, et ma köhin kas kopsud välja või lihtsalt oksendan kuskile.

Täna öösel ärkasin ühel hetkel ja avastasin, et olin higistanud nii hullult, et kogu voodi ja mu riided olid läbimärjad. Õnneks vahetatakse iga päev voodipesu ja ka mina saan selga puhta haiglapidžaama. Ainult müts on mul koguaeg üks ja sama.

Eilsest alates saan ka tugevaid antibiootikume veeni kaudu, aga need ei ole veel ilmselt mõjuma hakanud. Vahepeal on tunne, et ma ei jaksa ära oodata, millal need antibiootikumid lõpuks mõjuma hakkavad.

Mis siis juhtus?

Mul oli kehv juba eelmise nädala pühapäeval. Esmaspäeval olin haiglas hommikul kella üheksast kuni õhtul kuue-seistmeni. Pidi olema lühike arstivisiit, millest kasvas välja päev otsa tilguti küljes olemist ja vereproove, mis näitasid, et mu veri oli väga kehvaks läinud. Lausa nii kehvaks, et vajasin muuhulgas ka rauaülekannet.

Teisipäeva lõunal haiglasse immunoteraapiat saama tulles olin veel hullemini läbi. Kui esmaspäeval liikusin rulaatoriga, siis teisipäeval tõi ema mu kohale ratastooliga. Onko päevaosakonnas mugavasse tugitooli istudes läks aga asi eriti hulluks. Ausalt öeldes ei mäleta ma mingeid hetki, vahepeal oli kõik ikka väga udune. Ema ütles, et ma olin midagi sosistanud ja mõmisenud, aga et ega keegi suurt midagi aru ei saanud.

Arst otsustas, et ega minuga muud pole teha, kui tuleb paariks päevaks haiglasse panna. Siin ma nüüd olen, paar päeva hiljem ja ikka haige nagu vana hobune.

Vahepeal käis arst. Nad tuvastasid lõpuks viiruse. Küsisin arstilt, millal ma võiksin koju saada. Enne esmaspäeva seda kindlasti ei juhtu. Kas ka siis saan, pole kindlel.

Üks põhjustest on kasvõi see, et seda antibiootikumiravi peab tegema haiglas. Kuna ka mu verenäitajad on väga halvad, siis saan täiendavalt turgutavad kõhusüste. Jipikajee!

Arst kuulas ka mu kopsu ja ütles, et seal on natuke parem “heli” kui eile.

Ja nad koos toitumisnõustajaga katsuvad mulle luua menüü, kus on asjad, mida ma ka söön. Omlett, mingid pastaroad, keedumuna vms. Need on asjad, mille osas mul on praegu ehk isu. Aga äkki ei ole ka. Ma ei tea.

Viimased paar päeva olen lihtsalt toidud sisuliselt puutumatult tagasi saatnud. Üks, mis on mu menüüs täiesti keelatud, aga mida iseenesest tahaksin, on sushi – küpsetatud, sest toorest ei tohi ma süüa. Aga praegu on mulle keelatud ka küpsetatud sushi. Näis, mida toitumisnõustaja välja pakub, kui ta helistab.

Vahepeal sain nüüd ka üllatuskülalise, kes tuli ja vahetas mu porti peal olevad plaastrid ära. Jah, meditsiiniõde onkost tuli ja vahetas need ära ja tegi mulle ka õhukallistuse. Nii tore oli näha tuttavat nägu. Kuigi, tegelikult on kogu selle osakonna personal, kus ma olen, nende mõne päevaga mulle juba tuttavaks saanud.

Uh, aga nüüd ma väsisin ära ja vist hakkab ka palavik jälle tõusma. Proovin pisut magada.

ENG

I have been in the hospital since Tuesday. Things haven’t really improved much. I still feel unwell. For example, last night my fever spiked to 39°C, and this morning around six or seven I woke up again with chills. The fever was sky-high, I felt awful, with a terrible cough, runny nose, and a sore throat – both from an ulcer and from the coughing itself.

When a coughing fit comes on, it’s so overwhelming that at times it feels like I’m either going to cough my lungs out or just vomit somewhere.

At one point during the night, I woke up to find I had sweated so much that my bed and my clothes were completely drenched. Luckily, the bed linens are changed every day and I also get a fresh hospital pajama. Only my hat is always the same one.

Since yesterday I’ve also been getting strong antibiotics intravenously, but they probably haven’t started working yet. Sometimes it feels like I can’t wait any longer for the antibiotics to finally kick in.

So what happened? I was already feeling unwell last Sunday. On Monday, I was at the hospital from nine in the morning until around six in the evening. It was supposed to be just a short doctor’s visit, but it turned into a whole day on IV drips and blood tests, which showed that my blood values had dropped badly. So badly, in fact, that I needed, among other things, an iron infusion.

By Tuesday lunchtime, when I came to the hospital for immunotherapy, I was in even worse shape. On Monday I was still moving with a rollator, but on Tuesday my mother had to bring me in with a wheelchair. Sitting down in a comfortable armchair at the oncology day unit, things suddenly got much worse. Honestly, I don’t even remember certain moments, everything was very blurry. My mom said I was mumbling something under my breath, but no one could really make out what I was saying.

The doctor decided that there was nothing else to do but admit me to the hospital for a couple of days. So here I am now, a few days later, still sick like an old horse.

In the meantime, the doctor came by. They finally identified a virus. I asked the doctor when I might be able to go home. Certainly not before Monday. And even then it’s not guaranteed.

One of the reasons is simply that this course of antibiotics has to be administered in the hospital. And because my blood values are still very poor, I’m also getting additional strengthening injections in my abdomen. Yippee-kay-yay!

The doctor also listened to my lungs and said the “sound” was a little better than yesterday.

Together with the nutritionist, they’re trying to create a menu for me with things I might actually eat: omelets, some pasta dishes, boiled eggs, and so on. Those are the kinds of things I might have an appetite for right now. Or maybe not. I don’t know.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been sending my meals back almost untouched. One thing that’s completely forbidden for me, but that I actually crave, is sushi – cooked, since I can’t have raw food. But at the moment even cooked sushi is off-limits. We’ll see what the nutritionist suggests when she calls.

In the meantime, I also had a surprise visitor who came to change the dressings on my port. Yes, an oncology nurse came, changed the dressings, and even gave me a light hug. It was so nice to see a familiar face. Although, truthfully, over these few days the whole staff of this ward has already become familiar to me.

Uh, but now I’m exhausted again, and I think the fever is starting to rise once more. I’ll try to get some sleep.